You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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