I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
