drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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