Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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