a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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