i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
