You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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