And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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