we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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