i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
