either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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