i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
