i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
