if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
