Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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