worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The Olympian is in my bed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
