We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
