best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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