i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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