Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Randomize
