Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
