There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
