Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
