I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
