I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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