He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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