hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
