Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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