he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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