a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
