My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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