Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
