oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
