I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I am available for nakedness
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
