My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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