I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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