your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How does one acquire holy water?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
