When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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