We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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