You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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