whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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