you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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