Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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