but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize