I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
