everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
