May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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