Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
