I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
