"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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