apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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