I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
