I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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