i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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