The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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