WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
