just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
